A few weeks ago the shower fuse blew and we thought (get this for famous last words) no problem we're insured with.
Yes, British Gas. Their advert worried me in a way I couldn't quite put my finger on until we tried to use them in a novel way: you know, "Do what we pay you to do." And it was then that their imagery made perfect sense, for I now believe they exist in this distorted universe and believe it to be so for us all.
So here's a hastily constructed tribute to their colossal ineptitude. It's as close to poetry as is their Dilbert-World to any other sort of reality.
Sit down traveller and I'll unveil
A true yet unbelievable tale
Of a product that sits at the bottom of the class,
Insurance as sold by British Gas.
The adverts says (as the music plays)
"Insure with us and you'll be amazed
At the speed of our service,
The depth of our skill
We mend leaks, fix roofs, whatever you will:
We mend your windows
Replace your doors
And achieve high satisfaction scores/
But for every up there is a down,
There's always a seedier side of town
For every genius there lives an ass
And for me that ass is British Gas
Three weeks ago the shower fuse blew
And it was clear we couldn't renew
The fuse, its casing and the wire
That had burnt like a small electric fire.
An eight year with a a casual glance
would have said, "It's broke, it's dead, it's pants!"
British Gas have "engineers"
But that's not quite who next appeared.
To us they sent a couple of geezers
Who "Only fix washers, fridges and freezers"
They've cancelled appointments,
We've waited for hours to be told again,
"I don't do showers"
To be honest they might well have sent a camel
And for three weeks now I've washed with a flannel.
Face and neck, arm-pits and bum
Waiting for British Gas to come
And they 'phoned again today to say that
"We're cancelling, 'cos we've only got geezers
who just do leaks and fridges and freezers"
And we're all okay,
No-one's dead
No-one here's confined to bed.
But all I need is for them to say;
"I'm sorry, we've screwed up, we'll fix it today"
