What a day! Deeply radicalised Moms and Dads have kept their 7 year olds out of school because the parents felt that being tested in this manner and at this age had nothing to do with education. And whereas it was a little more difficult to be clear about what the tests are to do with, the Moms and Dads were adamant in their belief this is wrong.
The title of this piece is a lazy corruption of that of a modern masterpiece. "A Confederacy of Dunces" by John Kennedy Toole and here's a quote that has some sting in it today:
"Ignatius graduated smart."
"Graduated smart," Ignatius repeated with some pique. "Please define your terms. Exactly what do you mean by 'graduated smart'?"
It was a back-handed compliment because the central character (Ignatius) had indeed graduated smart in his academic subjects and he was an unemployable social failure, His "smart graduation" left him with a distorted view of his abilities and what he perceived to be everyone else's limitations.
Back to the Tests and children being ripped screaming from the arms of Teaching Assistants. There was no limitation on the anger on display today. Here in the Midlands some Moms and Dads and even took their kids to the park for some creative play I know this because it was on the television. This is the very thing the Education Secretary might insist they could enjoy more if only they were sharper with their subjunctives. I think she may have "graduated smart" too.
It was suggested by official sources - probably other graduates of the Universtiy of Smart- that the children's' education might suffer because they's missed a day. Their futures will of course be blighted by this and the selfish actions of a small group of selfish people who want their kids to be happy. They can rest assured that they will be entered on a list. T is for Trouble Maker. Your days of easy credit, mortgages and free-parking are over my my aesthetic friends!
If you're 7 today you shouldn't be reading this, you should be sharpening up on physics or something because this day off means you have only another 2,120 or so days to catch up on the work you've missed today-this is assuming that you stay on into year 13. I'm not trying to cause any trouble but you need to know how much your parents hate you. Your name will be ripped from your records and you will be known as Child of Trouble Maker (insert first line of address and post-code, or mobile number or something), your futures my young friends have effectively ended today. You might as well have taken the test and messed up big time. The world loves a trier but a troublemaker? It hates them!
Carry on making trouble please parents because this has gone too far. The value, the true value of the tests is measurable in negative megatonnes. They are a convergent and poorly considered mockery of education, the joy of learning and of happiness as a value worth pursuing, They need to go.
